5 Essential Tips On Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is very important. Boundaries are the internal fence that protects you from harm, wasted time and energy, bad relationships, toxicity, etc. So there shouldn’t be any shame about it.

So how can elegant ladies set boundaries elegantly? How can you, as a  feminine woman communicate your boundaries? The perception that feminine women are weak and therefore can’t say no, or set boundaries is not true. Or that our boundaries can’t be upheld.

In this post, I am sharing essential tips you can use to set and communicate your boundaries. It doesn’t have to be confrontational. It’s also not something to be ashamed or feel guilty about.

Dive deep into who you are, so that you know what you can and cannot accept

To set clear boundaries, you need to know who you are as a person – what is acceptable to you? What are your values? Also, tune into your intuition – often times your body and your subconscious know when a line is being crossed. Listen to your intuition and honor it.

Clearly communicate your boundaries and why you don’t want them crossed

Once you know what is acceptable to you and what is not, clearly communicate it when the occasion arises. The conversation does not have to be confrontational or belittling. Say why you don’t want that line crossed and highlight the consequences.

Stop being a people pleaser because you want to be liked or loved

For some of us, the desire to be liked and loved is a crutch. So what if they don’t like you? Being a liked person does not mean that you should bend over backward – those who truly love you will respect your boundaries. You must learn how to stop being a people pleaser. Develop your self-love too, it will help.

“No” is a complete sentence.

Oftentimes, saying “no” to others means saying “yes” to protecting ourselves, our time, energy, and well-being. If you have been a “yes, yes, yes” person, learn to say “no”. It gets easier with time and there are lots of polite ways to say no. You shouldn’t feel guilty declining what doesn’t serve you.

5 elegant ways of handling anger

There’s no need to flip the table 😉

1. Understand that your anger is telling you something about the situation

Anger is a useful but volatile emotion that makes you aware that you feel disrespected, or violated, or trapped in a situation. Read the emotion for what it is, and take time to understand why something/someone/a situation makes you angry.

2. Try to access the situation with logic; take a walk/ time off if possible

True, in the heat of an argument, the last thing to reach for is rational logic, however, try as much as you can to understand if some things are being assumed. Sometimes, just changing one variable offers a completely different view of the situation.

3. Sometimes, it really has nothing to do with you – and you don’t have to react

Sometimes, it’s not you, it’s them. Realize the annoying person may not be aware, or they have different perspectives, lack of proper upbringing, loose morals (lying), immaturity, improper communication skills or are emotional shedding, etc

4. Sometimes it has everything to do with you – and you simply have a short fuse

Sometimes, you may be the one who is missing the point, or there could be miscommunication (or ladies, having PMS, p.s it’s normal)

Therefore, it is prudent to take time before you react, think things through, because words said in anger can never be recalled even with an apology.

5. Learn or improve your communication and conflict resolution skills

Some anger situations can be solved through compassionate communication using the word ‘I’ instead of ‘you’, and hard as it may be, genuinely listen to the other’s perspective. No wo/man is an island, so improve conflict resolution skills to maintain and retain healthy relations.

Top 10 Books That Will Help You Stop Being A People Pleaser

Here are 10 books that will guide you on how to stop being a people pleaser. 

1. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life


Author: Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Publication: April 1, 1992

Amazon Ratings: 4.7 out of 5

Henry discusses more on how to set boundaries. Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries affect all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances, Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions, Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others.

2. The Disease To Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome


Author: Harriet B. Braiker

Publication: February 13, 2002

Amazon Ratings: 4.6 out of 5

This addresses those who suffer from the Disease to Please. People who say “Yes” when they really want to say “No”. Dr. Harriet Braiker offers clear, positive, practical, and easily doable steps toward recovery.

Begin with a simple but revealing quiz to discover what type of people-pleaser you are. Then learn how making even small changes to any single portion of the Disease to Please Triangle – involving your thoughts, feelings, and behavior – will cause a dramatic, positive, and long-lasting change to the overall syndrome.

3. Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself.


Author: Dr. Aziz Gazipura

Publication: October 25, 2017

Amazon Ratings: 4.6 out of 5 stars

Dr. Aziz Gazipura takes an incisive look at the concept of nice. Through his typical style, Dr. Aziz uses engaging stories, humor, and disarming vulnerability to cut through the nice conditioning and liberate the boldest, expressive, authentic version of you. You’ll discover how to: Easily say “no” when you want to and need to, Confidently and effectively ask for what you want, speak up more freely in all your relationships, eliminate feelings of guilt, anxiety, and worry about what others will think.

4. When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.


Author: Ilene S. Cohen Ph.D.

Publication: October 22, 2017

Amazon Ratings: 4.6 out of 5 stars

Dr. Ilene offers a wonderful, accessible, and practical guide for anyone who is looking to take charge of their life, and shed the guilt and exhaustion of pleasing and looking for others’ approval. As a family therapist, she gives readers an understanding of family systems and how to view your own role in your family and intimate relationships.

5. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.


Author: Melody Beattie

Publication: June 10, 2009

Amazon Ratings: 4.7 out of 5 stars

In her book, Melody Beattie writes about codependency, a pattern of trying to control or change someone who repeatedly makes trouble for themselves and others, and who usually is manipulating and controlling others as well. The problem is often part of an addictive or depressive syndrome or both; the solution she offers is to work extra hard at clarifying each person’s boundaries, keeping everyone’s responsibilities separated, and becoming obsessive about looking after one’s own interests in the face of demands to do otherwise.

6. Anxious to Please


Author: James Rapson and Craig English

Publication: March 13, 2020

Amazon Ratings: 4.6 out of 5

Anxious to Please reveals the primary psychological cause of Chronic Niceness-Anxious Attachment. It goes further to present seven powerful practices designed to bring about: resilient self-esteem; a happier and calmer emotional life; a reality-based optimism for the future; fulfilling sex; and satisfying relationships. In short, this books explains why you have people-pleasing tendencies and what you can do to overcome this behavior. It will help you to self-reflect and by understanding yourself you’r able to have self-compassion and also the ability to empathize with people in your life.

7. Stop People Pleasing: Be Assertive, Stop Caring What Others Think, Beat Your Guilt, & Stop Being a Pushover (Be Confident and Fearless Book 1).


Author: Patrick King

Publication: August 19, 2018

Amazon Ratings: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Stop People Pleasing is a frank look at people-pleasing tendencies – where they come from, how they manifest, and exactly what to do about them. Most importantly, the book emphasizes real, actionable tactics to change your relationship with yourself and others. the author is a recovering people-pleaser, so you can be sure that there is a real understanding of your struggles. Ultimately, you will learn the deep origins of your need to please, and how to set healthy boundaries.

8. When Pleasing You Is Killing Me (1)


Author: Dr. Les Carter

Publication: July 22, 2018

Amazon Ratings: 4.7 out of 5

Dr. Carter will recount how real-life pleasers developed relationship boundaries by incorporating assertiveness skills, ceasing unnecessary defensiveness, and setting aside false guilt for inner trust. Readers will be inspired to set their own pace in life, as opposed to letting the controller call the shots.

9. Love and art of saying No: Journey Out of Co-Dependence, People-Pleasing, And Over-Commitment


Author: Amy Susanna Copeland

Publication: February 18, 2019

Amazon Ratings: 5.0 out of 5 stars

Love & the Art of Saying No takes the reader through the author’s story, articulates the lessons learned, and offers opportunities to “Practice Your Art” through reflection and encouragement. If you’ve ever felt taken advantage of, taken for granted, or overwhelmed with the weight of your responsibilities, it may be time to learn that sometimes saying “No” is the most loving thing you can do.

10. People Pleaser’s Guide to Loving Others without Losing Yourself


Author: Mike Bechtle

Publication: January 19, 2021

Amazon Ratings: 4.9 out of 5

Dr. Mike Bechtle shows you how to stop letting your fears of rejection, criticism, invisibility, or inadequacy drive your actions and start rebuilding your sense of self-worth from the inside out. When you do, you’ll discover that what you once thought of as a struggle is one of your greatest strengths.

 

Go on elegant ladies set your boundaries and don’t let anyone provoke you to unnecessary anger. Walk away if you must!

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